It should come as no real surprise that women take longer to climax than men do, but in recent years there’s a growing amount of research to suggest that a large portion of women struggle to reach orgasm at all during sex.
Let’s start by clarifying that this isn’t necessarily a reflection on someone’s partner. As Durex Sex & Relationships Expert Alix Fox once told HuffPost UK, “I speak to a lot of women who either think they can’t come cum at all, or that they can’t get there using fingers alone – only a vibrator”.
There are several reasons why you might not be managing to climax either with a partner or during solo play, which we’ll cover in the points below.
1. You’re rushing yourself, or your partner is making you feel rushed
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we increasingly tend to rush certain tasks – hanging up the laundry, washing the dishes, getting ready for work in the morning… and having sex. While there’s nothing wrong with having a quickie, it’s important to set adequate time aside for longer sex sessions. Women in particular often need 20-40 minutes of continuous stimulation before it’s possible to reach the finish line. If you’re feeling rushed while having sex with a partner, it might be worth having an intimate conversation about the matter, to try a slower, more drawn-out experience and see if that helps.
2. Your mind is elsewhere
It’s hard to reach climax during sex if your mind is focused on that overdue project at work, or what groceries you need to pick up for dinner tonight, or those messages you haven’t responded to yet! Try to refrain from those mental to-do lists you like to create for yourself, and be present in the moment. Concentrate on the sensations, and allow yourself to fully enjoy the experience.
3. You’re feeling stressed or anxious
It’s a bit of a cruel Catch-22 that sex can be highly effective in relieving stress and tension, however, stress and tension can prevent you from having satisfying sex. If you’re struggling to relax during intercourse or solo play, consider trialling some common relaxation techniques before your next intimate session – have a bath perhaps, or meditate, or ask your partner to start with a massage to alleviate muscle tension, for example.
4. You’re too focused on your partner’s satisfaction
We should all be considerate of wanting our partner to enjoy themselves in the bedroom of course, but if you’re constantly in your head about your own sexual performance and ability to meet your partner’s needs, then you’re never going to enjoy a fulfilling sex life yourself. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes when it comes to sex – especially if you communicate the situation to your partner so that they can spend some time focusing on “just you”.
5. Your relationship is on the rocks
If you and your partner aren’t currently on the best terms, this can have a dramatic impact on your sex life. Communication problems are a particularly delicate factor in what kind of sex you’re having in your relationship – to put it another way, poor communication and poor sex often goes hand in hand. This issue may be one with a more complex process required to resolve, and perhaps couples counselling could be the best way forward.
Other things that may be stopping you from having an orgasm
It’s worth mentioning that this list is by no means exhaustive. Factors like menopause, painful sex and self-inflicted mental blocks can all play a role in your difficulty to reach climax. However, the five symptoms listed above are a good place to start, and with any luck you’ll find that you quickly overcome whatever obstacle is standing between you and the “Big Oh”.
One final takeaway is that you may find it easier to reach orgasm with the right toys. At Femplay, we stock a wide range of high quality sex toys for couples and solo play alike – our online collection includes vibrators, dildos, kegel exercise toys, bondage items and more. Explore our selection online and don’t hesitate to get in touch if you have any questions or queries.