We all know (or should) that sexual activity should only be performed with the agreement of both parties involved. There’s actually an official term for that, and it’s called “affirmative consent”.

Ultimately, consent should be a shared responsibility, which means that all people concerned in the experience must make sure that they have gained the necessary approval. This is not a matter of courtesy either, it’s the law.

Sexual consent in a nutshell

If you are the one providing consent for sex, you can actually withdraw it at any moment; it’s not just a one-time “yes” at the beginning of interaction and then you’re good to go. If you are ever feeling uncomfortable or want to end the moment, you have the right to.

The problem is that people often claim that sex becomes “awkward” or “uninspired” if consent is given in advance; like it’s scheduled or “robotic”. While you don’t need to get your pen ready to sign official documentation, consent is necessary and it’s simply a no-brainer.

So how can you get it without ruining the mood?

If you feel like simply checking in with your partner might ruin the sensual atmosphere or take away from its spontaneity, affirmative consent is the best alternative. It looks a bit like this:

You’re looking to understand more about your partner’s preferences and want to know what “gets them off” when it comes to physical contact. To do this appropriately and gain consent at the same time, you can use questions like “Would you like it if I ____?” or “How does this feel?”

Additionally, creative companies have taken affirmative consent one step further by putting together handy cards to help facilitate this dialogue with a partner. If we’ve learnt anything from the BDSM community, it’s that they have a well-established system for discussing permission.

Of course, you can also do the work yourself and keep an eye out for any indications that your partner may be feeling a certain way. Body language, emotional expression, sounds – all of this can paint a thousand pictures if you just stop to pay attention. And it’s your responsibility to.

At the end of the day, there are always indicators that show when someone isn’t consenting, especially if they’re passive, silent, visually upset, or looking uncomfortable. If you’re unsure, it’s always worth asking them if they’re okay with what’s going on, or assessing if you need to take a step back overall.

If you’re not sure, stop before going any further

It’s important to consider whether the other person is inebriated or under the influence of drugs. Consequently, they may not be able to provide their consent to sex in the first place. It is your duty to make sure that they are emotionally and physically able to consent to the moment, no matter the circumstance.

Again, if you’re unsure, it’s best to come to a halt.

Consider the circumstances

Speaking of circumstances, it’s necessary to take into account the context and type of your connection with the person you’re intimate with. For example, if you hold certain authority over them – like in the workplace – or are a different age, all of this can influence their comfort with giving consent. They may even feel like they are compelled or unable to reject your offer.

Remember that sex is a joint activity and should always be approached with care and respect. If you’re ever unsure, step back, assess the situation and check with your partner.