Thanks to the internet, we can now select sex toys from the sanctity of our own homes. What this does, however, is free up our inhibitions so we can gaze into the world of the weird. And sometimes it’s like watching a car wreck… you can’t help but look. From freakishly huge vibrators to weird leather bondage gear, our morbid fascination with scary-looking adult toys can truly run wild on the internet.

To help feed your morbid sexual curiosity, we’ve put together this list of the top five creepiest, scariest and most absurd adult toys on the net…

1. Virgin Mary Dildo

Sweet Jesus, this is one of the scariest sex toys for Catholics…unless you’re into guilt- and shame-ridden sex, which some are. While this Virgin Mary dildo might not be ‘traditionally’ scary, it is certain to give horny Christians the heebeejeebees. Hopefully we won’t be seeing it in too many adult stores any time soon.

2. The Foot Fetish

Assured to inspire the side eye, the Foot Fetish sex toy is foot-shaped fleshlight-like product. It is all feet in the front—and business in the back. As if a vagina built into two feet wasn’t creepy enough, picture a guy rubbing these feet around his crotch. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

3. Doc Johnson’s Belladonna’s Bitch Fist

The name ‘Doc Johnson’ seems innocuous enough, until you finish reading the title. The Belladonna’s Bitch Fist is exactly what it sounds like…a giant fist. For those with extremely over-sized cavities or who like to do hot-yoga-calibre stretches with their vagina (or back door)—this is the toy for you. Wow. Just wow.

4. Electrosex Wave Metal Dildo

Yup…electro dildo. When we saw this disturbing cattle-prod/dildo lovechild we couldn’t help but add it to the list. This electrified bad boy is a dildo that sends mild (how mild?) electric shocks into the vagina. Hmm…is that supposed to be a good thing?

5. The King Dong

The King Dong dildo is by far the most painful-looking addition to this list. Measuring a WHOPPING 15 inches long and 2+ inches wide, this monstrosity looks like something out of a sexual horror movie. This toy is rightfully labeled ‘for novelty use only’…and thank god for that! Any woman willing to give this a try is far braver than I!


6. BONUS ITEM: The Artificial Hymen

I felt that this final product needed an honourable mention…the artificial hymen. Although not a traditional item in the sex toy category, the artificial hymen is certainly one of the creepiest sex toy products out there. Thanks to this product, you can relive all the joys of losing your virginity. Oh wait… it was not so great the first time around—who would want to relive it?

Ready, Set, Go?

If you found this list entertaining, but would like something a little tamer to add to your own collection, hop on over to our adult store, where you can find everything from vanilla soccer mum toys to seasoned veteran adult toys.

by Jenifer Grant