It has recently come to my attention that batteries getting stuck in things is a thing. Batteries get stuck in torches. Batteries get stuck in clocks and remotes. Oh my gosh, batteries even get stuck in vibrators. You would think, given my familiarity with all kinds of fun vibrators and toys, that I would have had a AAA accident at some point in time – but until recently I have had nothing but luck with every battery I’ve ever come across.

So, when I accidentally popped said AAA in the wrong way and it became firmly lodged into a compact little vibe I had been favouring recently, I was simply gobsmacked! Stuck, the battery was just stuck. No amount of wiggly, shaking, or carefully (and later not-so-carefully) banging it on the edge of the bedside table seemed to do the trick. Out of desperation I did the only thing I could think of – randomly Google phrases related to my problem until I found a solution.

This of course took me well over an hour because I had no idea what I was looking for, and mostly only found forums about burly men who had accidentally lodged the wrong batteries into their favourite torches. Upon reflection I suppose I’m not too dissimilar from them, I too was having physical and emotional struggles with one of my favourite battery powered tools.

Eventually I did manage to get the battery out. Would you believe, I pried it free from the bottom with an old crochet hook a family friend had once left at my place which had somehow been absorbed into the chaos that is my “kitchen junk drawer”. However, not all of us have a spare crochet hook or knitting needle lying around and I’m sure I’m not the only person out there that this has happened to, so here’s a small collection of other ‘solutions’ I found online to the stuck battery debacle:

1. Pry or wiggle battery out with the fine edge of a knife – most people have a knife, scalpel or Stanley knife around the house or garage that you can use to very gently insert beside the battery and use to wiggle or lift it out.
2. Freeze the item with the battery inside. They will both shrink because of the cold. Once you bring them out, try to warm up just the outside of the item. Some people suggest a hair dryer on a low heat may work. As the plastic expands, you may be able to tap or shake the shrunken battery out of the compartment!
3. Apply a small amount of superglue to the end of the battery and then attach a piece of dowel or a stick, when its dry you have a much better handle to use and can pull that cheeky battery right out! Just be sure not to glue the battery in even further.
4. Swear at it some more.

I have it on good authority that Tip 4 can be combined with any of the other techniques.

Now, there’s one other really important piece of advice I gathered from my recent battery retrieval education – cut your losses if it’s a lithium battery! While some websites say that you should be fine trying to get it out undamaged and it just takes precision and common sense, the fact is I’d rather not risk the damage it can cause for the sake of a $30 vibrator. A pierced lithium battery can heat up, ignite and even explode, and if there’s one thing that always kills a sexy mood it has to be exploding batteries. Combine this with the damage it can do to your skin should you touch it and you’ll see what I mean!

Should you damage a lithium battery and you can feel it heating up, toss it immediately outside and do not handle it again until you’re completely sure it’s cool. At which point it might be wise to dispose of it by taking the battery to a proper disposal/recycling facilty. You can find one close to you via Planet Ark’s Recycling Near You tool.

Having freed my vibrator from the clutches of a bad battery and shared this new wealth of vibe maintenance information with you all, I think it’s about time I went and put the battery back in the correct way.