Talking dirty isn’t easy, and many of us are so struck with performance anxiety at the prospect of sounding sexy that we don’t even try, freeze up when we do, or can’t fathom a way to actually sound convincing. If that’s how you feel about it, don’t worry! It’s entirely natural and we all feel that way at some point. You’re not untalented at it, you just need a few pointers, so let’s talk about talking dirty.

Don’t Over-Think It: The KISS Principle

Why do we freeze up when we should be talking dirty? Because we think we have to do it perfectly. We try to come up with the sexiest thing possible to say, over-think it and end up stammering through it, saying nothing at all or saying something ridiculous. It doesn’t have to be that way, though! All you need to do is follow the engineer’s first rule:

Keep It Simple, Stupid!

You probably have a good idea of what your partner likes and maybe even what some of his or her fantasies are. That’s what you should play off of. If your partner is into bondage, try handcuffing them to the bed and telling them what you’re about to do or simply narrate what you’re already doing (‘Yeah, you like it when I tie you up, don’t you? Now I’m gonna…’)
Hell, most people get turned on like crazy if you simply tell them you’ll suck them off or eat them out in a sexy tone of voice.

Porn Isn’t Real Life

A lot of our misconceptions about everything sexual, including dirty talk, come from porn. We’re not disparaging pornography—far from it—but you have to keep in mind that porn is necessarily an audio-visual experience and sex is, well, tactile. Porn talk serves to amplify the audio-visual aspect of the experience, so don’t rely on it for your own dirty talk!

However, during real sex, you’ll be focusing on entirely different parts of the body, visual cues, and sounds than in porn and your talk should adapt to that. Basically, you should mostly be talking about actions and sensations rather than appearances. Just like anything else sexual, doing it well requires lots of communication and observation. When your partner reacts positively to something you’re doing, keep doing it and talk about variations! When you’re getting a good reaction, try saying something like ‘if you like that, how about when I do this…’

After you’ve finished, you can even keep the dirty talk going. Bring up what went well while you were having sex, ask your partner what they’d like you to do next time, and try to come up with something new to try based on what you just learned. Then, they’ll already be fantasising about what you’re going to do next time. It’s really that simple.

If you’re a kinky couple or are curious about it, that’s a great avenue to really go for the gold, because there’s so much fun stuff in kink, from toys and equipment to concepts of power dynamics and (simulated) danger that you’ll never run out of stimulating talking points. Interestingly enough, there’s plenty of high-quality kinky porn out there that breaks the industry’s terrible-dirty-talk mould; there might be some good stuff in there to try out, so maybe you should consider watching some with your partner and seeing what they’re into.

All you have to do is try to be creative and never give up on it. Even if your first few attempts don’t do much for either of you, you’ll get better at it as long as you keep trying. Remember, this is a little cliché, but you’re your own worst critic. So, even if you feel a little ridiculous trying to sound hot, your partner will probably react positively. Now, get in the bedroom and say something sexy tonight!